The first few years of a child’s life are especially important for development. Millions of connections shape the brain and every system in the body. How we pay attention and respond play a big part in how our babies develop.
Babies’ brains develop through interaction. When babies and young children send out signals that don’t get a response or are met with violence, that neglect or abuse can disrupt brain development. If neglect or abuse becomes chronic, the child’s stress response may become elevated, further affecting development.
The good news is, there are things we can do to make our young children feel supported and cared for. We can encourage healthy brain development, a solid sense of self, and a number of other benefits to our children’s health and well-being throughout their lives.
Check out “How Brains Are Built: The Core Story of Brain Development.” These four minutes may change the way we understand our kids and their minds (and maybe even ourselves!).
Brains aren’t just born, they’re built! Learn more through Brain Story!
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For more on ACEs, prevention, and the positive parenting and development of children ages 0 to 5, check out this free, downloadable caregiver toolkit, a collaboration with American Society for the Positive Care of Children:
We All Have a Number Story: Your Child’s First Chapters
CAREGIVER TOOLKIT: AGES 0-5 (PDF)
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Parenting infants and young children can be especially stressful. Children ages zero to three have the highest rate of neglect and abuse of any age group, and babies in their first year of life are most at risk. If you feel overwhelmed, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to ask for help. Get immediate support by contacting the Crisis Text Line for free counseling 24/7 by texting the word ACES to 741741. To learn more about parenting with ACEs and connect to a community for support, check out the Parenting with ACEs Community from PACES Connection.
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Mental health: Pregnancy and year one
Many people experience some mild mood changes during pregnancy or after the birth of a child, but 15 to 20% of those who give birth experience more intense symptoms. Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders — such as postpartum depression — can affect anyone, no matter our age, race, how much money we make, or our cultural background.
THIS MIGHT LOOK LIKE
- feeling sad or depressed
- feeling more irritable or angry
- having difficulty bonding with our baby
- feeling anxious or panicked
- having problems eating or sleeping
- having persistent upsetting thoughts
- feeling as if we’re out of control or “losing it”
- feeling worried we might hurt our baby or ourself
Symptoms can appear any time during pregnancy or the year after giving birth. Although you may have heard the term “postpartum depression,” there are many types of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders that may occur.
The good news is there are many of us who understand, and there are effective treatment options. Click here to find local support or get help now.
Building a secure attachment bond
Attachment is the unique emotional bond between babies and their primary caregivers. A secure attachment bond, based on a focused effort to meet our baby’s needs, ensures our baby feels safe and calm enough that his or her nervous system develops in a healthy way.
A secure attachment bond creates a strong foundation for cognitive, social, and emotional skills. These lead to important developments like an eagerness and capacity to learn and trust, healthy self-awareness, emotional regulation, a positive sense of self-worth, and the ability to empathize and cooperate well with others.
These are ways to build a secure attachment bond with our baby
Hold, cuddle, and rock our baby
Touch provides a reassuring sense of safety.
Make eye contact
It’s important to look into our baby’s eyes when feeding, playing, changing, and bathing, and sharing facial expressions of joy and excitement.
Connect with our baby
By smiling, singing, storytelling, reading, or talking in a warm, soothing tone of voice.
Watch and listen to our baby. We can practice being fully present with our baby, without distractions, by trying to notice early “cues” such as back arching, hand sucking, and grunting, to understand how our baby communicates their needs.
Comfort our baby every time they cry
When our baby cries, it’s a signal that they need us for food, sleep, comfort, or reassurance. It’s a myth that we’ll spoil our baby by tending to their needs. Babies need attention every time they ask for it.
Maintain realistic expectations of our baby
Babies can’t soothe themselves or explain their needs using words until they’re older than one year.
Notice when we are hungry, anxious, frustrated, or tied
It’s important to pay attention to and take care of our own needs. We may need to ask for help from others, and that’s totally okay.
Serve and return
“Serve and return” is the process of paying attention to the cues our child is sending and responding in a supportive, encouraging way. “Serve and return” is essential to building and strengthening communication and social skills.
Follow these healthy “serve and return” steps, recommended by the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University:
Give your attention
The first step is to pay attention to our child’s “serves.” Nobody can be fully focused 24/7. But finding blocks of time when we can give them our full attention — without phones, emails and social media — makes a big difference.
Catch the serve
Babies and children send out dozens of subtle signals all the time. We may notice our child is looking or pointing at something specific, or what tone they make when they cry. Or even if they’re making a certain face. Those are “serves.” Your role is to catch them.
We’re not only benefiting our child when we catch a serve, we’re also getting to know their “vocabulary,” strengthening the bond between us.
Return the serve
“Returning the serve” means reacting in a supportive, engaging way. If our child is pointing, we can look at where they’re pointing and comment on what they see. If they’re making a frustrated face, we can acknowledge that they might feel frustrated and that we’re there for a hug.
Children feel heard and understood when their serves are returned.
Using our words
When returning a serve, describe what we’re noticing or doing. If our child points to a ball, we can pick it up and say, “are you looking at this ball?” If they’re jumping up and down we can say, “hey, you’re jumping!”
Using words to describe things helps kids understand the world around them, forms language connections in their brain, and lets them know they’re heard.
Volley... on their time
That one serve and return may (or may not) lead to more back and forth. Stay engaged … and be patient. Children are processing a lot all at once, and often need time to collect and form their thoughts. We can give them space while remaining attentive, and be ready for another serve and return.
While we’re waiting, our child has time to develop their own thoughts, and while they’re listening to our response, it’s helping them practice self-control.
Know when to end
It’s also important to be on the lookout for cues that our child is ready to move on. If they become fussy or fidgety, begin looking around or crawl away, they may be ready for something new. Which gives us the opportunity to watch for the next serve.
Letting our child be the one who ends something gives them space to explore the world while knowing we’re supporting them.
How play helps babies develop
Early play is an extension of “serve and return.” Simple games like peekaboo and patty cake are more than fun. They’re literally building our baby’s brain circuitry in a powerful way.
As our babies and very young children develop, playing together helps all of us – kids and families – grow and thrive in these key ways:
PLAY SUPPORTS RESPONSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
While we play with our kids, we connect and deepen our bond. Use “serve and return” skills during play to boost communication. For slightly older toddlers, we can ask open-ended questions.
PLAY STRENGTHENS CORE LIFE SKILLS
Play helps develop skills in planning, problem-solving, coordination, collaboration, rule-following, flexibility, and negotiation. We don’t need a lot of space, toys, or fancy equipment. Even imagination enables exploration and growth in social, emotional, motor, and cognitive skills.
PLAY REDUCES STRESS
Play can help kids practice coping skills, while reducing our stress as parents or caregivers. As children grow, play helps them process experiences and express themselves in developmentally appropriate ways. Play makes us feel better.